As women we’re still dealing with oppression. It is deeply personal, widely prevalent and constantly experienced whether we’re paying attention to it or not. It’s happening. All the time.
Most of us women have experienced the small chill of something feeling ‘off’ even if no one has taught us that the cold chill is momentarily tapping into the collective awareness of centuries of oppression. We may notice it in a subtle dynamic between mom and dad or when talked over at a meeting or when we hear a casual comment about our bodies or looks. I’m not even getting into larger, well-documented career-related issues like: men being more bold about claiming their strengths and getting more promotions, powerful women being seen as bossy or unfeminine, inadequate maternity leave and of course, the clincher, unequal pay for the same job.* I’m talking about seemingly minor transgressions that we’re immune to because paying attention to all of them would be exhausting. Who has time for that?
The good news is you don’t have to devote your life to getting upset about every small thing that happens but I strongly believe that if we don’t pay some attention we default into participating on the wrong side because “not choosing” is also a choice. And not doing something is actively [by being passive ironically ;)] maintaining status quo. A little bit of willingness to understand, choosing to participate in the tiniest ways that we see fit and occasionally nudging ourselves out of that comfort zone can go a long way collectively.
The word “feminism” and the various meanings associated with it are freely thrown around provoking equally varied emotional reactions in both, men and women. What we call it matters, understanding it matters because we cannot find a solution without a thorough, intelligent (heart + head) understanding of the problem.
The reason this gets tricky in the first place is because it’s a subjective issue and the answer to a lot of seemingly black-and-white questions is “It depends”. It depends on the context of the moment, the historical context and most of all, on the motivation behind the action. The same act (wearing revealing clothing, for instance, can be truly an act of freedom of choice or participation in feminism suicide). It is not my objective to impose my views and opinions about when women’s empowerment is real and when not. I’m not here to judge, especially when as women we are all in this together and the last thing we need is to be judged by one another. It is my intention, however, to explain the difference between women seeking real power and when we as women seek a false substitute (the ‘breadcrumbs of empowerment’ as I call them). We have all done this at some point or another - settled for breadcrumbs of empowerment in lieu of the real thing. Not because that ever really feels good enough but because we’ve gotten used to satisfying ourselves and even temporarily enjoying breadcrumbs. Also, most of us have never known or seen any better and our conditioning runs so deep that we don’t even know we’re settling; we don’t know what we CAN have. We don’t even know there is a possibility of something else another option we can choose. This is true of any group that has been subject to thousands of years of systematic oppression. It necessarily becomes internalized. So as we fumble our way out of this predicament we need to be extremely mindful that we are not just finding new methods to participate in our oppression.
The two ways women participate in oppression of the feminine:
1. Becoming the man
This is one of the two main ways in which women participate in masculinization. The first thing we notice in this group is the worship of the intellect, rationality and logic to the exclusion of all other dimensions of intelligence. This is an imbalance of masculine energy ** (Just to clarify - this doesn’t mean logic is a male attribute by any means). Over-reliance on logic as the only source of the truth is problematic because in many instances relying strictly on the five-sensory, physical information can lead to rationalization that make very real issues seem trivial when they’re not. ***
A member of any oppressed group knows that subtle and repeated attacks on power can be felt over and over again even when the facts seem ambiguous. A lot of the time these transgressions cannot be seen by men or women who are over-masculine. For instance, if you’re a woman standing in a meeting and someone doesn’t direct their attention at you or talks over you, it’s not a black-and-white issue; there could be a million reasons why. They may be more intrigued by what someone else is saying, they may just have a louder voice, they may just not like you as a person. But if we put our energy into logically “figuring out” whether this is oppression or not, we end up missing the point entirely and it’s a tactic to skirt the issue resulting in the maintenance of status quo.
Women are constantly subject to these oppressive behaviors and often know “in their gut” that something is off. However, given multiple layers of complexity and ambiguity inherent in these scenarios it is not easy to point to one definite cause. Their inability to back their intuitive suspicion with clear-cut evidence from the outside makes them doubt themselves. No matter how powerful or confident a woman is, if the environment keeps sending contradictory messages it is crazy-making. What’s more is that if they speak up without this evidence they’re labeled “crazy”, “oversensitive”, “irrational” and “over reacting”. In fact, this is where the word ‘hysterical’ originated. Hysterika literally translates to uterus and in Ancient Greece it was believed that if a woman was “overly” emotional it was because her uterus was wandering. What does it say that we still label women “hysterical” for perfectly warranted and incredibly necessary emotional expression?
Other ways of participating in this game are denying or minimizing the entire notion of gender inequality or arguing that the bulk of it is in the past. We also participate in our own oppression when we repress our vulnerable feelings, resorting to anger, judgment and aggression only the harsher, tougher “stronger” emotions, which in any case doesn’t work because when women do it they are viewed unfavorably and it turns into a nasty cycle where the only alternatives are to repress or burst out. And lastly we oppress by feeling superior to or judging more feeling-based women as weak or ‘not tough enough’.
2. Pleasing the man
This is about subconsciously or consciously adopting the predominant societal frame for gender roles. Whether it is being nice and compliant, keeping the peace and going along with what doesn’t work in order to be non-threatening. This also extends to playing goody-two-shoes, doing a lot of self-editing, censoring true expression and being coy in order to meet the criteria that make women “attractive”. Another particularly strong tendency in many women is to try overly hard not to offend anyone.
Now there are cultural norms around this that also play out and it’s not always the best idea to speak out every single time you have a feeling. It has to be done with discernment, responsibility and care. However, by stifling your true expression you choke your life force, block your creative intelligence and make yourself miserable. Because if there’s any worse feeling than not being protected or not being stood up for, it’s when you don’t stand up for yourself. And very often people only realize much later that they screwed themselves over and that’s a painful regret.
Another way in which women participate in “pleasing the man” is by playing into stereotypes of what’s attractive to men and flaunting that attractiveness as a way to feel good and powerful. Overemphasizing physical attractiveness, body shape, body hair, etc. is part of this distraction from our real power. Who brainwashed us to be so identified with our appearance in the first place? And why? Using sexuality or looks as a way to get power is NOT powerful; it’s a begging bowl we use to ask someone else for power.
So what’s the solution?
1. Be the fully expressed woman
What the heck is this?! If you notice the above carefully you will see that a common characteristic in both the situations is the repression of feelings. So one of the main things is to express our real selves, real feelings. This is not about just vomiting out all our feelings. To be empowered, we first need to be responsible and that means doing the inner work of acknowledging our own pain and powerlessness, giving it compassion and understanding so we can then extend that compassion outward along with our firm, centered self-expression and assertion of needs. Harriett Lerner says “Use anger as a way to clarify”. Once we have clarified what we need/want we need to express that over and over again. And if you’re absolutely not heard, be willing to leave the situation. Not having the option to leave when you want will always leave you feeling powerless.
In the past, our female ancestors may not have had the luxury of that choice for practical reasons. Some women may still have those reasons but I’ve overwhelming seen women who are financially independent, have a satisfying life, career, friends, support, etc. still thinking “as if” they have no choice, bound to captivity.
There’s no real need to comply to an oppressive environment in a way our brains are wired to believe. This doesn’t mean we get impatient and ditch everyone who doesn’t get it. But we stay woke and we speak up when we need to and let whatever happens because of that, happen. We can handle losing the approval of the oppressor, we deserve to be heard, validated and be celebrated in our entirety as human beings, not as the “role” of being female.
2. Women support women
As women, we need to drown each other in so much love, support and worth that we instinctively know what’s in our best interest and what’s not. And if we don’t know, we can have open conversations to figure it out together. We need to stop thinking of “being a fully expressed woman” as a luxury and recognize it as a birthright. Our daughters deserve to have this as they enter the world and they can only have that if we work for it now. Pay attention to what’s been normalized but still feels off on a daily, moment-to-moment basis and play your role in addressing it, however small. It will change the world!
3. Men support women
As men, listen, listen, listen. Your job is not to analyze or think about this from your vantage point, not because you’re wrong just because by virtue of being in a different body which is attached to a different power structure you necessarily cannot fully understand. So that’s your job to understand that you don’t understand and just really hear what’s going on. This will bring up resistance. Because truly understanding a non-privileged group requires you losing your privelege which you will fight subconsciously while insisting you’re just being logical. This is an issue that can only be understood with real intelligence (which combines head and heart) and so listen with your heart more than your head. This will actually be equally healing and liberating for you as well.
*U.S. based data
**This is not a personal opinion - it’s a well-established concept brilliantly addressed by Freud’s contemporary, Carl Jung.
*** We see this happening in the #metoo movement which I will write about separately.