The need and value of self-transformation

As human beings, we all have childhood wounding. As children, we were incredibly dependent on our caregivers and no matter how perfect they were, there was no way for them to attend to our every need. These unmet needs give rise to emotional wounding. In order to cope with these wounds we develop a coping style called a personality. At a relatively young age we unconsciously develop a formula for how to navigate the world effectively. Our personality style along with our unique set of circumstances and experiences determine our beliefs, our values, how we see ourselves, how we direct our energy and attention, what triggers us, our blind spots, our motivations, our needs, our defenses, our feelings, our decisions, our reactions, etc. As adults, if we haven’t examined ourselves we often default into the automatic thought patterns and consequent behavior that we formulated for life when we were five years old! Imagine that! If we don’t let five-year-olds drive our cars why do we let them drive our lives?! Obviously we are not at the mental level of a five-year-old [not all of us anyway ;)] but our triggers, wounds and defenses are. For instance, someone who is afraid of confrontation can feel like a 5-year-old when they’re confronted or someone who is dominating can be harsh when they are not obeyed because of a childhood fear of “not being in control”.

There’s nothing wrong with having a personality structure; it’s actually an important part of being human. It provides a framework for our psyche just as the body provides our physical structure. And our personalities have wonderful quirks, idiosyncrasies and character that make us who we are. It is important, however, to become aware of our personality structures because they were originally formed, in part, as a defense or coping strategy against our original childhood wounding. We didn’t choose them. Sometimes it seems like they’re working well for us; some personality styles can even motivate us to be extremely successful but on auto-pilot they can only take us so far. At a certain point we need to introspect and become aware of ourselves. If we don’t introspect, over time life starts to get unpleasant either for ourselves or for those around us. Also, if we don’t introspect we are actually being run by our inner 5-year olds, which can be limiting and painful for ourselves and the people around us.

When we look beneath the surface of our thoughts, feelings and behaviors with kindness and presence (compassion and mindfulness), we start to observe patterns, motivations and belief systems. Once we know what they are, for the first time we have free choice about who we want to be. Many people think they choose their own personality but the truth is until we introspect it is, at least in part, a habitual survival strategy developed in childhood. Becoming self-aware and living consciously means we take back that choice into our own hands by first learning and understanding the beliefs that have been running our lives.

As humans, we have a healthy and whole side to us that also fuels our personalities. The goal is to access even more of this wholeness so that we can enjoy our lives and use our personalities to serve us rather than unconsciously serving our personalities. Self-awareness is the tool of self-transformation. It can have the magical effect of making us the master of our personality rather than a servant to it. At the height of self-awareness, we are at our absolute full potential as human beings! Self-transformation is not easy, of course. It can feel unsettling to question lifelong belief patterns that have served us well. It is also painful to discover the original wounds behind the coping style. There’s no way around the discomfort and temporary experience of vulnerability that shows up when we unpack our personality tendencies. It’s the only way to truly transform to a more integrated version of ourselves. But it’s worth it. This article does not deal with the specific process by which self-awareness leads to self-transformation but focuses on illuminating the benefits of the process.

The benefits of self-transformation:

1.     Non-defensiveness - When we start the transformation journey, we dissolve a lot of defenses; we are less defensive and more genuinely open-minded. This is because when we stop needing to guard our egos and beliefs, we can relax more in general. Receiving feedback, admitting mistakes and experiencing failure are not as threatening to the ego because we not identified with the set of beliefs that make those experiences painful.

2.     Access more of reality - Often people pride themselves on being objective because they value their reasoning and logic. But the only way to be more objective is to realize our subjectivity. When we become aware of our subjectivity we rise above our blinders and we become clearer about objective reality. An important reason to be objective is to be able to discern what is in our control and what’s not so that we can pick our priorities and where we spend our energy wisely.

3.     Access greater intelligence - A. H. Almaas distinguishes between intelligence and brilliance. He says that brilliance combines intellectual intelligence with heart and body intelligence. When the head, heart and intuition are aligned we access true intelligence. It is not wise to rely exclusively on our minds because the mind can play mental tricks on us; often we’re unaware of the motivation or fuel behind our mental choices. Also when we used a more integrated version of intelligence we naturally make choices that are more inclusive and compassionate for all.

4.     Genuine confidence and liberation - When we are operating from a wounded personality, we can bolster a facade of strength and self-confidence but this is based on behaving or presenting ourselves a certain way. Genuine self-confidence is totally unconditional. We are equally confident in failure and vulnerability as we are in success because the confidence comes from a deep sense of self-worth rather than an outer appearance of bravado.

5.     Genuine joy - Before we work on ourselves a number of things that make us happy are things we depend on for joy and when they’re absent, we feel sad. This is a normal response of course. But when we get behind the personality we typically discover that what brings us “real joy” is different from the small pleasures we enjoyed before. For instance, we might discover we enjoy a new hobby in place of eating for fun. Also, joy is less contingent upon end results; there’s more present-moment joy during the journey.

6.     Better interpersonal relationships and communication - When our energy is less consumed by managing our image and protecting our own needs and agendas, we are more genuinely interested, empathic and connected to others. Of course, non-defensiveness discussed above also makes authentic communication easier.

7.     Wiser decision making - The process of wise decision making is not about relying solely on left-brain analysis to “figure it out” but instead to keep getting more information and data until we reach a point of clarity where we effortlessly arrive at the right choice. When we have our unaddressed fears running the show we get “confused” but confusion can only happen when the head alone is involved in making a decision and this is not wise because we are subject to a lot of mental bias.

8.     Fearless living - When we are not driven by our childhood fears and wounds we can live in trust and experience our lives from a more secure place within. We are comfortable being humble enough to admit that we do not have all the answers. We are also free to be more creative and less confined in our thinking, which is an effect of fear.

9.     Well-rounded personality - Without deep exploration it doesn’t feel safe for people to work on areas that are most out of their comfort zone. It’s only by working on these growth edges that we can become an exponentially better version of ourselves. Typically, we work only slightly outside of our comfort zone. For instance, people who identify as shy may “try” to be confident in small ways but can’t push themselves or be pushed into being more confident until they go deeper. When they uncover faulty beliefs behind the shyness they are no longer unconsciously identifying with these beliefs and then it’s easier to make bolder choices.

10.   Authority and leadership - Few people truly consider themselves their own personal authority. We tend to automatically make external factors an authority over ourselves - social norms, our conditioning, our parents, our bosses, our professors, our political leaders, etc. However, the only way to think like a true leader is to have the courage to have original thought which starts by allowing ourselves to be our own authorities. Of course, it is essential to be mindful and sensitive to the cultural context, including and working with various perspectives. But we have to be unafraid to think on our own terms and then collaborate with an open and flexible mind.

11.   Inner GPS - When we get behind our automatic conditioning we can hear our intuition more clearly. Without anxiety it’s easier to hear our inner voice about what feels right in the present moment. It’s very comforting to know that we have our own answers and that we can access them by quieting down and listening. This is especially important in today’s complex and ambiguous environment.

12.   Liberated to choose our own values - We’ve been bombarded by our environment, family and culture about who we should be and what we should strive for. We automatically adopt these values which are often superficial and may not be what we really want. Common ones include being smart, rich, famous, successful, good looking, in-control, etc. Only when we examine what we’re subscribing to can we question if it’s working for us and then have the freedom to determine our own values.

13.   Intrinsic motivation - When we are caught in the personality our motivations are often external and at least in part based on proving ourselves or by the need to feel value from the results of our actions in the form of success, promotions, rewards, money, praise, recognition, status, fame, popularity, etc. This kind of motivation is called extrinsic motivation. The pressure created by extrinsic motivation dramatically affects the way we work as well as the outcome. When we transcend our childhood fears, we can be more intrinsically motivated. Intrinsic motivation is doing things because of the pure joy of doing them; if we like what we do we feel purpose, meaning, curiosity, engagement and satisfaction in the moment. Acting in this way is called inspired action and the results are far better. Moreover, with inspired action, failure is not as scary.

14.   Self-referential - When we are self-referential we don’t need approval or validation from the outside and so our goal, at work or in general in the world, is to authentically express ourselves rather than to impress others in order to get our value from them. The opposite is being other-referential which is constantly self-editing in accordance with other people’s judgments, standards and expectations.

15.   Higher purpose – When our own agenda for self-validation and protection slips away, we can more easily be a conduit for a higher purpose that serves the best possible outcome for everyone.

In today’s world we have more opportunity than ever before to blossom into our best selves. It is also more important than ever before to make this choice. Given the shifts in global consciousness it will continue to become even more imperative to wake up to living in our full potential. I hope with all my heart that this article plays a small part in encouraging you to undertake the invaluable journey inwards so you and the world around you can reap the innumerable rewards of your fullest self!

In this generation of thriving, are you just surviving?

It’s an understatement to say that the world has changed rapidly in the past 20 years. If you had asked someone a couple of decades ago to imagine the world today it would be nearly impossible to contemplate our lifestyle, our products, our options, our conveniences. For those of us who lived in the era before mobile phones, tablets, apps, laptops and the internet were the norm, it feels like a different lifetime.

When I fly to London to visit my cousin, I automatically get a notification on my phone about the flight departure time. My cousin can sign up to be notified about flight time updates. I can text her if there’s a change in flight time at any point (before or after getting to the airport). If it’s in her email, she gets a direct update and I don’t even have to text. I can check-in online. I can use an app to get a ride to the airport a mere 4 minutes before I need to leave. The driver has a map that tells him/her what route to take to the airport based on current traffic conditions. Cousin gets notified about when I land. I can give her real time updates about the length of the immigration line and status of baggage claim, giving her a near perfect estimate of the moment I will walk out the door. In case she can’t pick me up from the airport I can use an app to get a ride to her location almost immediately.

The amount of ambiguity that’s been erased and the amount of predictability and efficiency that’s been added to our lives and life processes is astounding. And this is the level of convenience we are afforded when we fly across continents! In our day-to-day affairs we’re even more spoiled. What’s more is that this is not a luxury afforded to the few who can afford it; all this happens in a relatively inexpensive way providing this access to vast numbers of people around the world.

This is amazing. For so many of us to be able to make the most of our time, our mental resources and our energy. Oprah says “wasting your time is wasting your life” so in a way, we’re getting more of our lives available for us to live as we want. When ambiguous factors are in control, predictable, certain and when the mundane is taken care of, we are freed up to think about more important things. But is that what we’re doing with these gifts of newfound moments of life? What are we missing out on when we rely on all these guaranteed efficiencies? How can we make sure we don’t lose what’s important? Technological advancement has and will continue to open up a whole new world. It falls upon our generation to live out answers to these questions in a way that uses the opportunity afforded to us to make our future bright and not plummet into darkness.

We are so lucky! Until as recently as our parents’ generation, people were in survival mode. Of course, over centuries there has been a steady progression from purely survival mode (think “Game of Thrones”). Until a couple of decades ago it was still just about making it in the world. There wasn’t much importance given to how you felt about work or maybe even your spouse. In recent years we’ve made leaps out of survival mode; our thinking has expanded and includes the prospect of happiness. This generation believes they are entitled not just to a job or a spouse but also being happy with those things. And rightfully so! We don’t just want to survive, we want to thrive. There are a number of reasons that many of us can now claim the luxury of happiness. One such reason is that women have been steadily becoming more and more financially independent so there’s no longer a necessity to marry or to stay in an unhappy marriage.

In love and in life, we have so many options to be happy. If we’re not happy, we can choose from a ton of healing modalities and therapies. We can pick hobbies that make us happy. We can travel easily. We have more career choices than ever before so we get the chance to enjoy what we do on a day-to-day basis. We can innovate and become entrepreneurs with relative ease. There’s less social stigma and restrictions so we can marry whoever we want, whenever we want, if we want. And if we’re not happy we can get divorced without much social stigma. We can have babies or not. And it’s not just that we have more options but MORE of us have more options. Historically oppressed groups like women, transgenders, marginalized groups, etc. have more rights and support than ever before (although we do have a long way to go). Now that we’ve arrived at this critical juncture we have two choices about who we choose to be and how we live day-to-day.

There are two ways to go forward:

1. Continuing in “survival” mode

Now that we don’t have to worry about survival as much will we still engage in survival-based thinking, limiting ourselves to the chase of worldly things like status, money, appearances, fame, popularity, etc.? “Survival mode” is all about getting by so our free time and energy drift to pleasure or more superficial concerns - having fun, partying, shopping, being physically attractive, getting likes on facebook, planning our next vacation, getting approval, the money, the house, the car, etc. And these things are still important and fun of course, but since the world’s ethos has changed, we have the option to not SOLELY focus on self-serving survival needs. If the survival route is the only one we continue to pursue then we’re going to feel out of alignment and that won’t feel so good. We will feel isolated, experience intense feelings of depression and hopelessness and a general existential angst. We already see this happening where the modern lifestyle has created disconnection leading to more depression and anxiety than ever before; our click-of-a-button era has led to more comparison, more entitlement, more instant gratification, less patience, less warmth and connection.

Another thing to watch out for is the predictability, convenience and certainty afforded by our devices which leads us to have certain illusions about life being easy and under our control. Life is not easy or under our control and so when we’re confronted by this reality we are far more upset by inevitable breakdowns in life like failure, rejection, disappointment, loss, etc.

2. Choosing the path of consciousness

So we have the option to stay identified with more superficial values and suffer or we can make a deliberate effort to get conscious and aware about who we choose to be with the increased time and opportunities that are available to us. Now that we have many survival issues covered (that were real threats in the past) we can take a more meaningful course of standing up for what matters, finding a purpose, channeling our creativity, valuing healing and self-expression. We can focus on repairing the wounds that were created during the survival era where people were not so nice to each other because that’s not what you do when resources are scarce. We can use technology as the amazing equalizer that it is, collectively dismantling power structures and privileges of certain groups of people over others.

Instead of mindlessly relying on technology which creates the illusion of certainty and gives us a false sense of security. We should deliberately cut off from it once in a while; we can disconnect from relying on phones, gadgets, maps, etc. and spend time alone. This would help us have real human connection and experience presence in our bodies, not just minds. When I travel to foreign countries alone with minimal connection to the world on my phone, I connect so much to where I am. I’m present, curious and engaged. I pay attention to where I’m going and who I’m meeting and connect with the place/people/moment in a way that’s almost spiritual. I’m trying to bring more of that way-of-being into my day-to-day life as well.

The introduction of tech is forcing us to choose something more conscious, more meaningful because if we don’t make that choice then we will inevitably feel worse than before tech came into our lives. It’s no longer an option to stay the same and NOT suffer. In conclusion, we can either decide to get conscious or we can default into survival mode. We can use technology and the seeming ease of our modern day lives to slip into complacency, which is going to be dangerous or we can use our freed-up energy to get conscious - creating meaning, healing, love, courage, inclusion, equality, etc.

The perils of being judgmental

Most of us have grown up in a society where we felt the need to wear social masks in order to survive. It probably never felt safe [and for most of us still doesn’t] to walk around openly admitting our vulnerabilities. We’ve been trained to attend to our heads over our hearts. Since there has been more or less universal importance given to the head over heart, what do we tend to do when we feel something? We rush to judgment, of course. What I’m referring to as judgment here is the negative evaluation of something before self-examination. Judgment in a more positive sense or discernment is an incredibly valuable and absolutely essential tool. We need to make wise judgments about a number of things every day; our success depends on it. Non-judgment is not about being passive and accepting something that you can clearly see is not acceptable. But you can make that same judgment call without being “judgmental”. In fact, taking a judgmental position can create the appearance of being smart/strong/right and that’s why people use it. It feels more comfortable to be judgmental than to look inward, discover what bothers you and then state that.

Many folks in the world today have woken up to the realization that there’s something off when people are judgmental and there is a serious lack of wisdom in taking that approach. Here are some reasons why:

1. Judgments are not truths - When you judge something negatively, it is more a reflection of you than what you are judging because it means that you believe that just because you believe something to be true, it is so. Wouldn’t it be wiser to consider that there a number of different perspectives in this world and yours is just one of them? Instead of judging, you can just own your position and if you need to, state your reasons why.
2. Judgment ends the discussion - Once you judge something as inferior or negative you’ve essentially dismissed it. It’s a dead end; there is no where to go from there. The pay-off is that it eliminates the hard work of looking at what’s behind your judgment or working with another. But it simultaneously destroys the capacity for collaboration, openness and discovery which are necessary to find creative solutions for the complex problems of today’s world.
3. Judgment stems from fear - When people label something as “stupid” or “lame” or “weird” or “dumb” they get to dismiss it and feel better about themselves in the moment. But why would someone need to dismiss something in order to feel good unless there’s something threatening in it? Being controlled by fear is not a part of any recipe for good decision making.
4. Judgment kills the ability to work with others - This is self-evident. Whether it be in the workplace, relationship or in the world in general, judgment leaves no space for the other’s perspective, experience or feelings.
5. Judgment is not humble - We can’t know what we do not know unless we know that we do not know. In other words, the only way to learn something new is to first realize that we don’t know it. When we make snap judgments we destroy the possibility of learning and growth. When we realize we don’t know something it is tremendously powerful because it opens up the field of all possibilities. Humility is the birthplace of inquiry.
6. Judgment takes us further from ourselves and reality - Apart from losing the possibility to learn about the person, instance or object we have judged, it also blocks us from discovering vital information about ourselves. Judgment creates the illusion of knowing and feeling of security that we need in the moment but we lose the chance to understand something about our own ideas, beliefs and feelings. We lose the opportunity to learn more about our subjective lens; the framework we adopt to see the world. Ironically, the more we learn about our subjectivity, the closer we get to objectivity. So when we judge something we are actually much further from the truth than if we took the time to understand our subjective experience instead.

What to do when you notice a judgment pop up...

Realize it’s more about you than the other. Carolyn Myss says that when we judge something some part of us envies some aspect of what the other is doing or being that we don’t have or have shut off from ourselves. So, for instance, if I’m a highly conscientious, responsible person I may seriously judge people who turn up late to meetings without a hint of shame. If it really bothers me, I might want to look at what I’m attaching to being so “good”, what I’m sacrificing in order to be that way, whether I allow myself mistakes without giving myself a hard time and whether it’s actually making me happy to be so stringent. Granted, I may just be someone who naturally prefers to be prepared and on time but if I’m doing it out of preference and for my own joy then I will have NO need to judge someone who is doing what they prefer. Now, of course, if someone is actually disruptive then I can always express myself but pure assertive self-expression does not have a condescending, superior, self-righteous tone.

So, in short, use judgment as a tool to inquire why something affects you, what are you feeling and why. Use it to gain self-awareness about what upsets you and what you need from the other. Own the vulnerability of that position, because owning vulnerability is brave and much stronger than pretending it’s not there. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. It’s not easy but that’s why it takes courage. Authentic assertive self-expression is so powerful it gives me the chills every time I see someone do it.

But it’s not just about the nice fuzzy feeling that comes from being able to be your true self, it’s the only logical option that allows you to create a space of intelligent problem solving, creativity, collaboration and inclusivity, which we claim to want but are struggling to create in the world.

Two types of peeps.

There are two kinds of people in this world - Doers and thinkers. We all have the potential to be both but we have a tendency to lean in one of those directions. The reason that we are predisposed to one over another is that we are all looking for safety. Doers get their safety by maintaining an external focus by staying outside - participating in the world, usually at a pretty rapid pace. They tend to keep moving from one thing to another, keeping themselves active, sometimes even exhausted. To them, it feels unsafe to delve into their inner world. Slowing down and becoming aware of their feelings feels threatening. It’s not that their focus of attention is outside rather than inside but their focus of attention is on action and the moment; not on thinking about it. This can make them prone to recklessness, irresponsibility and haste. This leads to them stumbling into mistakes that are often preventable. They tend to be confident and are typically proud of the fact that they manage to get things done. However since they don’t take time to introspect they don’t realize that the way they’re operating may not be well thought out and that there is often value in a little bit of preparation. In fact, they tend to judge thinkers as cowards who waste their time pondering over inessential details. Doers also tend to knock others down by being inconsiderate because they don’t spend enough time considering others thoughts and feelings, just as they avoid their own.

Thinkers, on the other hand, get their safety from staying inside themselves. Venturing outside their inner world feels threatening. This doesn’t mean that they’re shy or unsocial by any means. Just that their point of safety is more towards hesitancy and procrastination, sometimes even paralysis, rather than action. They tend to be analytical and cover many angles of thought before acting, if it all they do follow through with action at all. Thinkers are thorough, detail-oriented and have genius ideas but those ideas are useless without the will to implement them. Thinkers only implement ideas that they are sure of since they lack the courage to take risks. They’re afraid of failure. They tend to be more considerate interpersonally but also more inhibited, tending to care too much about what people think of them. Thinkers judge doers as overconfident and irresponsible.

It is very important to understand if you’re a thinker or a doer because each of these have tremendous strengths in terms of navigating the world successfully and achieving what is important to us. Balancing out these two aspects is absolutely essential to personal development and to maximize our potential as human beings. As Scott Fitzgerald put it, "Genius is the ability to put into effect what is on your mind". The journey toward integration is in opposite directions for thinkers and doers. They often attract the opposite type in a romantic relationship, which is good because they can learn from one another. If one type resists it can cause a lot of interpersonal difficulties.

For doers who are confident, comfortable being engaged in the world, relatively uninhibited by what others think of them, know how to prioritize their needs and wants, willing to take risks and uninhibited by the possibility of mistakes and failure, the journey is inward. To slow down, introspect, put more care and thought into their action, to be more sensitive to others and also inclusive of other perspectives. Energetically this would feel like softening and an opening. More kindness, more vulnerability, more depth, more perceiving. Meditation, yoga, nature, support groups, therapy. Anything that nurtures the heart and soul!

For thinkers who are analytical, comprehensive, idealistic, sensitive, considerate, detail-oriented and innovative, the journey is outward. It’s about having the courage and will power to execute even when things are not perfect or perfectly to their liking. To truly recognize that without the courage to try and fail and try again, life is not worth living. They need to see that it is safe and wonderful to participate in the world and there is no requirement to be perfect to show up. The act of showing up as they are is daunting to thinkers but they are often way better prepared than they imagine. It’s just that their mind is so active that they’ve attended to all the possible worst case scenarios and are their own worst critics. They’re also afraid and hyper vigilant about being judged as silly or overconfident by their fellow thinkers. This, of course, is possible but nobody should miss out on the joy of participating in the world because of a few judgy minds. Activities like improv, dance, singing, acting, spontaneous public speaking, anything that is about playing and being out of the head and in the moment is good for thinkers.

As a thinker myself, I have spent way too much of my life caring what people think and trying to make sure I had all angles covered before putting something into action, missing out on opportunities and really screwing myself over without realizing I was letting fear control me. It just made sense to me to be well prepared, do things I am good at and only show up in the world while wearing a mask of competence. I didn’t know how much I was missing out until I started authentic public speaking classes, improvisational theater, dance, singing, etc.

You see, when we are forced to throw our formula of safety out the window, we are not driven by fear. And when we are not driven by fear we show up in our true brilliance. Not perfect perhaps, but radiant. To be the best versions of ourselves we tend to further enhance an idea we already have of ourselves. In other words, we tend to sharpen our strengths or lean only very slightly out of our comfort zone but I highly recommend working on what’s most uncomfortable because it breaks ego identification and all the fears underlying it which then propels you like a rocket ship to a much more liberated, happier and creative version of yourself. I would pick happy and free over perfect any day, wouldn’t you?

Real vs. pseudo empowerment of women: Understanding it so that we can all participate

As women we’re still dealing with oppression. It is deeply personal, widely prevalent and constantly experienced whether we’re paying attention to it or not. It’s happening. All the time.

Most of us women have experienced the small chill of something feeling ‘off’ even if no one has taught us that the cold chill is momentarily tapping into the collective awareness of centuries of oppression. We may notice it in a subtle dynamic between mom and dad or when talked over at a meeting or when we hear a casual comment about our bodies or looks. I’m not even getting into larger, well-documented career-related issues like: men being more bold about claiming their strengths and getting more promotions, powerful women being seen as bossy or unfeminine, inadequate maternity leave and of course, the clincher, unequal pay for the same job.* I’m talking about seemingly minor transgressions that we’re immune to because paying attention to all of them would be exhausting. Who has time for that?

The good news is you don’t have to devote your life to getting upset about every small thing that happens but I strongly believe that if we don’t pay some attention we default into participating on the wrong side because “not choosing” is also a choice. And not doing something is actively [by being passive ironically ;)] maintaining status quo. A little bit of willingness to understand, choosing to participate in the tiniest ways that we see fit and occasionally nudging ourselves out of that comfort zone can go a long way collectively.

The word “feminism” and the various meanings associated with it are freely thrown around provoking equally varied emotional reactions in both, men and women. What we call it matters, understanding it matters because we cannot find a solution without a thorough, intelligent (heart + head) understanding of the problem.

The reason this gets tricky in the first place is because it’s a subjective issue and the answer to a lot of seemingly black-and-white questions is “It depends”. It depends on the context of the moment, the historical context and most of all, on the motivation behind the action. The same act (wearing revealing clothing, for instance, can be truly an act of freedom of choice or participation in feminism suicide). It is not my objective to impose my views and opinions about when women’s empowerment is real and when not. I’m not here to judge, especially when as women we are all in this together and the last thing we need is to be judged by one another. It is my intention, however, to explain the difference between women seeking real power and when we as women seek a false substitute (the ‘breadcrumbs of empowerment’ as I call them). We have all done this at some point or another - settled for breadcrumbs of empowerment in lieu of the real thing. Not because that ever really feels good enough but because we’ve gotten used to satisfying ourselves and even temporarily enjoying breadcrumbs. Also, most of us have never known or seen any better and our conditioning runs so deep that we don’t even know we’re settling; we don’t know what we CAN have. We don’t even know there is a possibility of something else another option we can choose. This is true of any group that has been subject to thousands of years of systematic oppression. It necessarily becomes internalized. So as we fumble our way out of this predicament we need to be extremely mindful that we are not just finding new methods to participate in our oppression.

The two ways women participate in oppression of the feminine:

1. Becoming the man

This is one of the two main ways in which women participate in masculinization. The first thing we notice in this group is the worship of the intellect, rationality and logic to the exclusion of all other dimensions of intelligence. This is an imbalance of masculine energy ** (Just to clarify - this doesn’t mean logic is a male attribute by any means). Over-reliance on logic as the only source of the truth is problematic because in many instances relying strictly on the five-sensory, physical information can lead to rationalization that make very real issues seem trivial when they’re not. ***

A member of any oppressed group knows that subtle and repeated attacks on power can be felt over and over again even when the facts seem ambiguous. A lot of the time these transgressions cannot be seen by men or women who are over-masculine. For instance, if you’re a woman standing in a meeting and someone doesn’t direct their attention at you or talks over you, it’s not a black-and-white issue; there could be a million reasons why. They may be more intrigued by what someone else is saying, they may just have a louder voice, they may just not like you as a person. But if we put our energy into logically “figuring out” whether this is oppression or not, we end up missing the point entirely and it’s a tactic to skirt the issue resulting in the maintenance of status quo.

Women are constantly subject to these oppressive behaviors and often know “in their gut” that something is off. However, given multiple layers of complexity and ambiguity inherent in these scenarios it is not easy to point to one definite cause. Their inability to back their intuitive suspicion with clear-cut evidence from the outside makes them doubt themselves. No matter how powerful or confident a woman is, if the environment keeps sending contradictory messages it is crazy-making. What’s more is that if they speak up without this evidence they’re labeled “crazy”, “oversensitive”, “irrational” and “over reacting”. In fact, this is where the word ‘hysterical’ originated. Hysterika literally translates to uterus and in Ancient Greece it was believed that if a woman was “overly” emotional it was because her uterus was wandering. What does it say that we still label women “hysterical” for perfectly warranted and incredibly necessary emotional expression?

Other ways of participating in this game are denying or minimizing the entire notion of gender inequality or arguing that the bulk of it is in the past. We also participate in our own oppression when we repress our vulnerable feelings, resorting to anger, judgment and aggression only the harsher, tougher “stronger” emotions, which in any case doesn’t work because when women do it they are viewed unfavorably and it turns into a nasty cycle where the only alternatives are to repress or burst out. And lastly we oppress by feeling superior to or judging more feeling-based women as weak or ‘not tough enough’.

2. Pleasing the man

This is about subconsciously or consciously adopting the predominant societal frame for gender roles. Whether it is being nice and compliant, keeping the peace and going along with what doesn’t work in order to be non-threatening. This also extends to playing goody-two-shoes, doing a lot of self-editing, censoring true expression and being coy in order to meet the criteria that make women “attractive”. Another particularly strong tendency in many women is to try overly hard not to offend anyone.

Now there are cultural norms around this that also play out and it’s not always the best idea to speak out every single time you have a feeling. It has to be done with discernment, responsibility and care. However, by stifling your true expression you choke your life force, block your creative intelligence and make yourself miserable. Because if there’s any worse feeling than not being protected or not being stood up for, it’s when you don’t stand up for yourself. And very often people only realize much later that they screwed themselves over and that’s a painful regret.

Another way in which women participate in “pleasing the man” is by playing into stereotypes of what’s attractive to men and flaunting that attractiveness as a way to feel good and powerful. Overemphasizing physical attractiveness, body shape, body hair, etc. is part of this distraction from our real power. Who brainwashed us to be so identified with our appearance in the first place? And why? Using sexuality or looks as a way to get power is NOT powerful; it’s a begging bowl we use to ask someone else for power.

So what’s the solution?

1. Be the fully expressed woman

What the heck is this?! If you notice the above carefully you will see that a common characteristic in both the situations is the repression of feelings. So one of the main things is to express our real selves, real feelings. This is not about just vomiting out all our feelings. To be empowered, we first need to be responsible and that means doing the inner work of acknowledging our own pain and powerlessness, giving it compassion and understanding so we can then extend that compassion outward along with our firm, centered self-expression and assertion of needs. Harriett Lerner says “Use anger as a way to clarify”. Once we have clarified what we need/want we need to express that over and over again. And if you’re absolutely not heard, be willing to leave the situation. Not having the option to leave when you want will always leave you feeling powerless.

In the past, our female ancestors may not have had the luxury of that choice for practical reasons. Some women may still have those reasons but I’ve overwhelming seen women who are financially independent, have a satisfying life, career, friends, support, etc. still thinking “as if” they have no choice, bound to captivity.

There’s no real need to comply to an oppressive environment in a way our brains are wired to believe. This doesn’t mean we get impatient and ditch everyone who doesn’t get it. But we stay woke and we speak up when we need to and let whatever happens because of that, happen. We can handle losing the approval of the oppressor, we deserve to be heard, validated and be celebrated in our entirety as human beings, not as the “role” of being female.

2. Women support women

As women, we need to drown each other in so much love, support and worth that we instinctively know what’s in our best interest and what’s not. And if we don’t know, we can have open conversations to figure it out together. We need to stop thinking of “being a fully expressed woman” as a luxury and recognize it as a birthright. Our daughters deserve to have this as they enter the world and they can only have that if we work for it now. Pay attention to what’s been normalized but still feels off on a daily, moment-to-moment basis and play your role in addressing it, however small. It will change the world!

3. Men support women

As men, listen, listen, listen. Your job is not to analyze or think about this from your vantage point, not because you’re wrong just because by virtue of being in a different body which is attached to a different power structure you necessarily cannot fully understand. So that’s your job to understand that you don’t understand and just really hear what’s going on. This will bring up resistance. Because truly understanding a non-privileged group requires you losing your privelege which you will fight subconsciously while insisting you’re just being logical. This is an issue that can only be understood with real intelligence (which combines head and heart) and so listen with your heart more than your head. This will actually be equally healing and liberating for you as well.

*U.S. based data
**This is not a personal opinion - it’s a well-established concept brilliantly addressed by Freud’s contemporary, Carl Jung.
*** We see this happening in the #metoo movement which I will write about separately.

Success and failure… Do we have it all wrong?!

 

I think we have “failure” and “success” upside down. No, really. I’d go as far as saying that what we value as conventional success is a form failure and what we associate with failure is actually a measure of success. This, of course, sounds counterintuitive and it is nonsensical until we take a step back to re-examine the meaning we’ve attributed to these terms. Both, success and failure, are words that are wide open to subjective interpretation. What A thinks is success, B could consider failure. In fact, many great artists and writers have taken their own lives over what they considered failure even when their contemporaries deemed them among the best in the world. Although most of us are not as blinded to reality as those poor souls, we do tend to have rather unexamined notions about success and failure based on our societal conditioning and this is a certain kind of ‘blinding’ or brainwashing even.

Theodore Roosevelt famously said,

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. 

But what if it wasn’t even about having the courage or moral aptitude to face and endure failure? Maybe the real failure is not trying. Maybe the real failure is not having the courage to discover your own unique idiosyncratic self with all its gifts and follies and to then express it into the world in some way. And maybe the act of doing this is far more remarkable than not doing it, regardless of outcome. As a society, we are so superficial when we automatically think of success as a straight-line path to the top without any dips. John had perfect grades in school, he went on to become valedictorian, he studied at an Ivy league school and then joined the best company and climbed the corporate ladder. At every stage, we look at John with jaws on the floor and hearts in our eyes! Every mother uses him as an example to her son. John gets the perfect wife and the perfect life [Of course, this is a gross generalization based on the assumption that he hasn't taken many risks and hence not experienced more than the basic minimum amount of inevitable failure].

What I’ve begun to see (and now that I see it, I can’t believe it took me this long) is that John isn’t truly happy. Ever. Not really, not deeply. John lives with a lot of fear – from never having dared, risked, failed and survived it to know that the failure was never who he was in the first place. We all have this secret fear deep inside – no matter how attractive/successful/rich/famous we are, that maybe we are not quite good enough. This slight undercurrent of insecurity is like the background noise of our existence. Most often we dull ourselves into a routine and get so used to this noise that we can tune it out. But when something unexpected occurs it usually comes into the foreground. When we live with the noise in the background, it keeps that fear alive. We are not free. We can have a seemingly perfect job, spouse and life, but we’re hopelessly dependent on one or many of these external things to drown out the noise. If we’re not using one of those then we may turn to alcohol, food, work, television, sex, shopping or any other addiction.

So does that mean we don’t aim for success at all? I think the real answer is that we need to raise the bar for success – to equate it to happiness. And real happiness can only come from expressing your real self in the world – putting your art out there, creating music, writing stories, starting your business, studying what you love, following your dreams in any way. And if you do this, no matter how talented you are, you will fail. You will fall flat on your face, you will be criticized, you will face rejection and it will hurt. And if you haven’t had these experiences then you’re not aiming high enough. Every great person in history is a testament to this. And what makes them great is the failure or at least what they’ve gained from it. I highly recommend this path because:

1)    When you fail, you have to face that niggly fear about your self-worth and the priceless lesson you learn is that not only was that fear unwarranted but that it was never up to anything external to determine your worth anyway!

2)    Now that you’re free of the fear of failure, you learn to derive joy from the effort and the process rather than focusing solely on the outcome.

3)    When you do this, you will realize that anything you ever called happiness before was not the real thing.

4)    It humbles you and makes you realize how big a role chance or grace plays in life.

5)    It opens you to connect to others in a deeper way, needing support or help and makes you really appreciate the brave and kind people who’ve been through the same thing. [Warning: It can also make you feel quite bored of the people who are still caught up in their egos and fears].

And this is why I say “failure” is “success” is because if you change the measure stick of success to happiness, then failure is a necessary component to learn real happiness.

I lived 31 years of my life avoiding failure, using success as an umbrella whose sturdy structure and certainty provided comfort and safety. But recently, when I started putting myself out there to “fail”, I felt like someone had taken the shackles off me. I felt truly free for the first time. Contrary to common sense, my self-esteem sky-rocketed. I felt truly invincible because I realized that the only way my self-expression can fail is when it’s not happening! If I identify my gifts, work hard at them and put them into the world then no matter how many times I “fail”, it’s not failure. It’s just learning. And it’s an integral part of “taking off”. Why do we even use this word “failure”? It’s like we are implying something else was supposed to happen. Even the dictionary defines failure as “lack of success”. Instead of thinking of it as what “shouldn’t have happened” what if we just call it needs more learning or not ready yet? Can you imagine if a baby bird was learning to fly and every time it flapped its little wings and fell down it experienced this as “failure” – this big dramatic word. Just thinking of this failure would prevent the little bird from taking it in stride and realizing that the current circumstance is just a necessary learning for the process of taking off. And then we truly succeed!

No amount of success has ever felt as liberating or nourishing to my soul as the sheer willingness to put myself into the world and stare squarely into the face of failure. I sincerely wish that you all dare greatly and fail joyfully! If you keep flapping your wings, you are bound to take off. What else can happen?!